Life Update: At an Impasse

I am busy yet again with school work and I have little to no energy or confidence to push through with my tasks. It’s been yet another trying semester, and I’ve gone through so many things that have shaken my esteem and my dignity, most of which are direct consequences of adults and professors who claim to be more mature than my generation but can still find the time to bully and take advantage of students and their authority just so they can feel better about themselves.

I’m honestly so tired of people and my academics are slowly starting to disintegrate into a reluctant obligation for me as I no longer find myself motivated to learn or even attend my classes. I don’t know if this is because of my professors or me, if it’s me being bad again. Perhaps both parties are at fault. 

As I write this, I have a one-act play and its staged reading to finish and prepare for, a long exam for my Mathematics subject that is two chapters too long, and a 10-minute speech to write by Friday which calls for an interview first that is yet to be scheduled. 

I’m finding it hard to keep myself afloat, I feel as if I don’t have the skill nor heart to finish any of them. I feel as if I will inevitably fail and so there is no point in trying. But of course I haven’t got a choice. I must pick myself up from the ground and throw myself into the fire. I will still inevitably trudge through everything until I am able to finish it, because that it what I have always done, even in the face of fear. 

But I find myself at an impasse, for I am paralyzed by fear and shackled by doubts and insecurities. 

I hate them, the people who have forced me back into my shell just to broaden their comfort zone even if it meant taking mine. My territory, my dignity: all trampled upon. I barely have any space left to get myself back on my feet. Why did your pride and ego have to cost me my peace? I wish it was in humanity’s nature to be respectful as it is to be vicious.

This is the weakest I have felt in months, or perhaps I have felt this way ever since the semester started. Because the start of this semester has tired me out than the rest have, which is saying a lot since I’m always on the precipice of uncertainty, where I am unable to take control of anything in my life, including my education. 

There isn’t much of a point to this post, only that I really needed to get these things off my chest, in the hopes of allrviating the heaviness I feel inside my ribcage. Maybe that’s what science and technology needs to work on instead of guns and bombs. A cure to insecurities and doubts. A magic slate wherein if you wrote it all down, it would disappear as you erased it from the board. That’s what a good portion of humanity needs.

I am so, so, so tired. And if only I could get myself out of this slump. For now, I only wish to rest easy and breathe freely. Every morning when I wake up, I only wish to survive until the next day. May the gods grant me some piece of mind. I’m a thread away from losing it. 


Why ’13 Reasons Why’ Isn’t Worth It

To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t expecting much from the show since when I had read the book back in elementary, it did not strike me as deep as it could have. But I didn’t know whether to attribute my complete lack of empathy to the fact that I wasn’t socially woke yet or because it was just not a good book. So when Netflix and Selena Gomez teamed up to make a tv series adaptation, my curiosity was piqued but not enough to actually look forward to it.

But when people started talking about the graphic content the show had and all of the mixed reviews, I knew I had to watch it. So when I finally got the chance and time (university, release me from your clutches), I streamed it all in one night until the early hours of the next day. And I was sorely disappointed at how I spent so much time watching a TV show that I couldn’t even deem worth it.

The truth about depicting sensitive issues like mental health is that your imitation will always be under fire because there is no perfect imitation, only a close one. But 13 Reasons Why had not only been the farthest I had ever seen in depicting mental health problems, it had done nothing to give justice to people who suffered from depression and abuse like Hannah Baker, despite the show being entirely about her.

Before anything else, I want to mention that I do understand that the intentions of the creators of the show are ultimately good. In fact, I found myself enthralled by some of the scenes, and at first I even came to love the show. The cast were wonderful and the OST was great (except for that song Selena Gomez wrote because of how they made it out to be referring to the “could-have-been romance” of Clay and Hannah). The rare (yes, rare) scenes where the show actually calls out society on their hypocrisy were on point. But as things progressed, I had come to the conclusion that the show, in its entirety, was woefully inaccurate and ultimately not worth it and below are some of the points that I can’t help but call them out on that support my opinion.

TRIGGER WARNING: This show talks about suicide, sexual abuse, and rape so they will be brought up in this review. So if you are uncomfortable with any of those topics, please do not read any further. For a list of trigger warnings for the entire series (because Netflix only gave warnings for the last two episodes like what the fuck, Netflix), click here

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