Life Update: At an Impasse

I am busy yet again with school work and I have little to no energy or confidence to push through with my tasks. It’s been yet another trying semester, and I’ve gone through so many things that have shaken my esteem and my dignity, most of which are direct consequences of adults and professors who claim to be more mature than my generation but can still find the time to bully and take advantage of students and their authority just so they can feel better about themselves.

I’m honestly so tired of people and my academics are slowly starting to disintegrate into a reluctant obligation for me as I no longer find myself motivated to learn or even attend my classes. I don’t know if this is because of my professors or me, if it’s me being bad again. Perhaps both parties are at fault. 

As I write this, I have a one-act play and its staged reading to finish and prepare for, a long exam for my Mathematics subject that is two chapters too long, and a 10-minute speech to write by Friday which calls for an interview first that is yet to be scheduled. 

I’m finding it hard to keep myself afloat, I feel as if I don’t have the skill nor heart to finish any of them. I feel as if I will inevitably fail and so there is no point in trying. But of course I haven’t got a choice. I must pick myself up from the ground and throw myself into the fire. I will still inevitably trudge through everything until I am able to finish it, because that it what I have always done, even in the face of fear. 

But I find myself at an impasse, for I am paralyzed by fear and shackled by doubts and insecurities. 

I hate them, the people who have forced me back into my shell just to broaden their comfort zone even if it meant taking mine. My territory, my dignity: all trampled upon. I barely have any space left to get myself back on my feet. Why did your pride and ego have to cost me my peace? I wish it was in humanity’s nature to be respectful as it is to be vicious.

This is the weakest I have felt in months, or perhaps I have felt this way ever since the semester started. Because the start of this semester has tired me out than the rest have, which is saying a lot since I’m always on the precipice of uncertainty, where I am unable to take control of anything in my life, including my education. 

There isn’t much of a point to this post, only that I really needed to get these things off my chest, in the hopes of allrviating the heaviness I feel inside my ribcage. Maybe that’s what science and technology needs to work on instead of guns and bombs. A cure to insecurities and doubts. A magic slate wherein if you wrote it all down, it would disappear as you erased it from the board. That’s what a good portion of humanity needs.

I am so, so, so tired. And if only I could get myself out of this slump. For now, I only wish to rest easy and breathe freely. Every morning when I wake up, I only wish to survive until the next day. May the gods grant me some piece of mind. I’m a thread away from losing it. 

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A Digital Outburst

I have been no stranger to the world of the internet but I must admit I never truly did let myself fully discover all of the wonders that the digital pages could offer to a deprived writer (I use this term very loosely nowadays) like me. This isn’t my first blog. In fact, this is probably around the 10th or 11th one I’ve made during my lifetime and this is most likely due to the fact that I’ve never truly been comfortable in writing about myself in such a personal yet publicized manner.

I hate giving myself away and I suppose, as an aspiring writer, I have no choice but to do just that. I will keep this blog to remind myself to continue on writing about anything I wish, all purely based on my whims and musings because that is the beauty of blogs (and writing, really): you owe nothing to anybody and are free to succumb to your desires. Until such a time that I have gathered enough courage to publish my poetry and other forms of literary works in a public platform such as this, I will have to make myself get used to that through here and through this. I suppose I just need an outlet wherein these fingers can let themselves flow freely and the words in my mind can take form, for if I suppress my need to write any longer I feel as though I may lose my mind completely (if I hadn’t already in the past).

And so I write, I write, and I write!

Here’s a hopeful toast to a year of growth, of more writing, and more opportunities to hit the snooze button, resulting from a late night post on this blog. Cheers!